♥ Perfection or Inequality? ♥

Perfection or Inequality?

 We’ve all been in those relationships where we feel that we’re not good enough—as though we’re hanging at the edge of the cliff waiting for him/her to either stomp on our fingers and watch us fall to our certain death or pull us up and give us the reassurance we so dearly long to hear. Why is it that we continue to persist in this perpetual torture that wearies both body and mind until we nearly fall apart? Well, I believe it is because we are afraid of failure—we’ve been there before, but we thought that maybe this time would be different, that perhaps by reaching higher and trying to achieve a higher standard, things would be different, and maybe our hearts wouldn’t be broken quite so badly. 

 In my case, I thought I’d found my prince charming, that “perfect” guy that we all dream up for ourselves. Following probably the toughest breakup I’ve ever experienced, I dabbled in an online dating site just to keep myself company. The guy I had been dating for eight months and thought I was deeply in love with decided that he hadn’t loved me for two months, but had had his eye on his best friend’s girl the entire time. Yes, I was wounded, the pain so excruciating at times that I couldn’t stand to my feet—feeling as though my heart had been ripped from my chest and badly sewn up causing the rest of my insides to seep through. However, things changed when I met this “perfect” guy—and I mean mail-order, to-the-tee perfect. I thought to myself, “Finally, someone who is good enough for me and sees things my way and respects me!” But after time I find myself wondering if I am good enough for him.

Having set my standards so extremely low so that I was the one that would have the superior advantage, I managed to find the most unequally matched people for myself: from scum bags to mimes. Yes, those scum bags and mimes held the reins to my heart for a while, but there was a lack of substance in each relationship. However, I did feel like I was in control, and that I was something of value to them—something that, if lost, was irreplaceable. The mime—he respected me. He looked at me with eyes filled with love; eyes that I knew were only on me. But he wasn’t right for me, being unequally matched in both social and aspirational aspects. The scum bags—though they didn’t respect me, they fought tooth and nail to keep me around, at least giving me the illusion that I was something to be desired.

The difference between those guys and my “prince charming” was that though everything seemed perfect, I still felt expendable. Though I knew that I wasn’t stupid or dull or personality-less, his words, his actions, and his lack of commitment always managed to push me into the corner and make me feel useless. After a few weeks of seeing the true side, I began to summon my courage and stand up for myself when he would point out my problems and downfalls. When this happened, I was accused of being unstable and psychotic when the truth was that I was only fighting for my dignity. He didn’t appreciate not being in control and not feeling like he could have whatever he wanted. So, after he informed me that when I got my life together, we’d talk, I decided that that was my door out. I waited in silence for a few days, tearfully hoping that he would call, show up at my doorstep, or do something to make me feel like I was worth his time---but there was nothing—no call, no bouquet of flowers, no transmission of alphabetical sequence via any form of technology—nothing. So, I began the regular ritual of immersing myself in other people, talking to other guys, anything I could think of to get him out of my mind. Then, after about a week, I received a message from him saying that since he hadn’t heard from me, then he supposed that I really didn’t care. Ever since, the only signal I have gotten from him is one that declares all that I am missing out on. Am I not something to be cherished? When will I be permitted to feel those arms of love that tell me they will never let me go?

Perfection in a relationship, especially in the beginning, is unreal. No relationship is perfectly flawless. Sure, they’re beautiful when they’re the best, like a “perfect diamond”, but even the most perfect diamond, when closely scrutinized has its flaws. The way I see it—look for the imperfectly perfect—a project of sorts, then work your way up from there. Start from the bottom, then buffer  your way to the top together. Any relationship that starts from the top can only go down, and when you both start at opposite ends, you end up at opposite ends. Meeting in the middle only works if you already see eye to eye. ♥

Don’t settle for perfection, reach for imperfection. Search within yourself and find the imperfect parts that can be made whole by the imperfect parts of another. A man who is completely whole on his own has no room for your partial being. ♥